i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
