just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
