I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize