theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
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