My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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