how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
