I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
