you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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