Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
Randomize
