I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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