I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
