her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
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