Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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