how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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