Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
