The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
