i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
