and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
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I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
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Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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