sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
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