Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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