I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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