fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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