who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
