He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
