Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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