Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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