I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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