i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
