Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
