hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
