So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
