everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
