I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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