I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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