Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
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