if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I think we might need a safe word for this...
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
