I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
