shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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