i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
