His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
