Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Randomize
