I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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