When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Randomize
