I'm gonna have a badass scar
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
