I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
