Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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