she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
He passed out mid-signature
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize