im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
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