Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
