When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
it was like eating out sand paper
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
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