when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I didn't notice because vodka
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
