Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
