Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
