Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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