This is not my ceiling
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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