You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
this will be a night to untag.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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