does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
