Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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