and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
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