If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
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