Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
