so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
