My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
