just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
